I just don’t know what it is. I feel as if I’ve been walking on eggshells, and the news about my sperm donor, just sent me over the edge. I know something is missing, not clicking, or breaking, but I have no idea what it is or how to fix it.
I’m exhausted. I’m tired. I’m tired of always needing to be strong and having to move forward. Even growing up, I never dwelled on anything much because a. what’s the point, and b. I couldn’t afford to. I didn’t have that luxury as a child wondering why we’re eating the same shit over, or where my mom was night after night, or why were we living in a shelter. I didn’t have the luxury of just being a child and living in the moment, because I couldn’t afford to. I’ve been working since I was 15 1/2, and I’m now 30. As an adult, I had to find a way because I didn’t have family I could fall back on if shit didn’t pan out. So it’s always been go, go, go. Get over it. Now, as a single mother, everything I do affects my daughter, whether it’s emotional, mentally etc. I can’t just wallow in self pity or take time off work to get it together. Just because I sometimes want my life to stop, so I can reevaluate, breathe, and gather my marbles. Her life can’t stop, so once again, stuff it inside and keep moving.
I know that I’m broken. I literally feel like humpty dumpty fell off the wall, and I’ve been glued back together. But that the cracks are so uneven that even the wind blowing will knock me down. I know I’m stronger then that, I have to be, but as of late, I want to just crumble and allow whatever is going to happen, to happen. I’m tired of always being strong, of needing to get over shit, needing to move forward, laughing shit off when it’s killing me inside. I’m tired of not being able to take a moment to just be weak and wallow. I’m not as strong as people think I am, and I sometimes just want to take the mask off and be seen for who I really am. I really am someone who feels deeply. Gives unconditionally. Loves intensely. Losing friends hurt, being used by guys hurt, being alone hurts, so much hurts me. But I never let on.
I guess I’m just tired. I want to heal. I just have no idea of where to begin, or what I need to start the process.