As you get older, your expectations from a relationship change, but what about the feelings that constitute as love. For example, when I was younger, I most always misconstrued love and lust. Don’t get me wrong, within a couple of days/weeks, I was able to determine what I felt for him, and act accordingly, but even as an adult I’m still not entirely sure.
When I was younger the stability and loved I craved, is different then 30 year old single mom me. At this age, I want consistency, honesty, someone to build with, someone to be a father figure to my daughter and love the hell outta me. I wanted the same thing when I was younger, but more so in a matching Jordan’s, put me in a relationship status on Facebook and not let’s pay off our debt, purchase a house and vacation.
Since I’ve evolved will my take on love/being inlove change ? Granted, the only time I’ve been inlove was a toxic less then perfect relationship, but the feelings were real. When you want to always be around someone, when you go to sleep thinking about them, and wake up with them on your mind. When you just want to put a smile on their face, and there’s no tangible future without them. Granted, a part of me felt that way because of the cheating and bullshit in the relationship, but another part of me felt that way because he’s the only male to ever give me butterfly in my tummy from the way he looks at me and holds me. But with everything that happened in that relationship, I’m not sure if it’s fair to hold other dudes to that standard. Meaning, I’m not sure it’s fair to say idc about someone because they don’t make me feel the way he did, because the way he made me feel also came with a lot of tears, uncertainty, and lonely nights.
I haven’t seen him in years, so idk if the feelings or reaction would be the same, but those feelings were in place when we met and still when we ended. I guess, now that I’m older, and my needs/wants have evolved, and I’m in a mature healthy relationship it scares me that the feelings I felt for my ex didn’t immediately come forth. My close friends have told me because those feelings weren’t real, and that with this relationship because of how great the man it, it’ll grow and be long lasting. I guess I’m just nervous, because this is probably my first most healthiest relationship, something I’ve been praying for, and I honestly don’t know.
I feel that I’m ready to settle. I know I want someone to love. Someone to love me. Someone to love my daughter. Commitment, growth, challenges, a healthy relationship .. but is this it. Do I need to not force or think about it and let it flow. Am I not giving it a fair shot by even comparing it to someone whose no one been able to live up to .YET. Who the hell knows, but I’m going to try and be receptive to the love, and let what’s meant to be, be.