Lord, Please Forgive Me

Posted by on Apr 12, 2020 in Parent Shit, Random Thoughts
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I’ve always had a temper with very little patience. That didn’t change when I had a child, though for her my patience is better it still isn’t where it should be as a mom. In my opinion. I know kids are trying, will get into shit, will test your nerves, will just bring you to the edge, which is why you need the damn patience of a saint to navigate this road. 

I feel like the worse parent when I’m cussing at my daughter, telling her to sit tf down or shut up and go to fkn bed. Like fuuuuuuccckkkk . I don’t know what to say because I’m tired. Because I know I shouldn’t be talking to her that way and she doesn’t deserve that, but I’m so tired of not having any help. No one to tag in, no one to chip in and buy her shit. Literally NO FUCKING HELP. 

The level of hate I feel towards her sperm donor are astronomical. I know it takes energy hating someone, and I’m sure in a couple of weeks I’ll bury these current feelings like I always do, but I never thought I could hate someone as much as I did the father I didn’t know. It’s funny in a sick twisted hate. I hate my dad for never showing up and I hate my daughters dad for the same reason. 

Idk my moms story, but I know my daughters donor had an out. Could have said from the beginning he wanted no parts. But he didn’t, and he promised we’d do this together. Almost 3 years later, and this is where we’re at. 

I’m sorry to say it, but if he didn’t wake up tomorrow, I don’t think I’d shed a tear. It sounds harsh, but until you’ve literally been in my shoes. Until you’ve went thru pregnancy alone after helping take care of a bitch of a man. Being dodge, giving that guy a chance. Only to be lied to and lied on. Get money stolen from your wallet and daughters piggy bank. Be played. And still give him money and let him drive your car. Until you’ve ended it and tried every compromise in the world just to keep him relevant in your daughters life only to have his dumb ass family talk all this shit about your relationship based off of what he told you. To still give him chances, just to continuously be disappointed, but never wanting to stand in the way of a father/daughter relationship. Don’t fucking judge me for not feeling a way if he never took another breath. 

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