I wonder if I’m the only person who gets anxiety every time Monday comes around? Sure, I guess they’re like ‘mini new years’, constantly giving you the chance to start over again. But they’re also reminders that you didn’t accomplish what you set out to the previous week.
It scares me. I feel like a failure. I begin to feel like my life is meant to be in an endless loop with half ass accomplishments. I’m always thinking I should be doing more than I actually am, I just never know what exactly. What am I supposed to be doing to confirm I’m on the yellow brick road? What signs am I missing, am I being punished for something. My mind is literally on 100 mph daily, right up until it’s time for bed.
I’ve taken the first step in entrepreneurship, which was launching my daughters clothing store, and it’s so difficult to remain motivated. I see these instant success stories, and it’s so easy to get discourage and wonder if I’m fucking up, or making a stupid decision. I know it’s going to take hard work and consistency, I just believe my biggest fear is not knowing if this is what I’m supposed to be doing.
I still can’t pinpoint exactly what my passion is. I love talking, and writing, but I don’t want to be an author. Not in the traditional sense anyways. I love being able to blog and express myself. I love having discussions with people about anything, and disproving them (lol) or learning something new. I don’t want to have to change who I am, or dampen my personality to reach goals. I know what I want to get from my passion, and what I’m hoping for. I know I want to build a life that I have control over. I don’t want to have to request time off to bond with my daughter, in case I get sick, to take a vacation. I don’t want to have to work for years to finally build up enough in my 401(k), to ensure that my daughter will be able to live life. I want to be able to say I’m in total control of my life, that all the work I’m putting into it, is going to benefit my family. The trouble is ensuring that I’m on the right path to that. I know I want it to be entrepreneurship, and I know that I’m willing to put in the work. I just have to ensure I’m taking the necessary steps to actually do that.
I guess Mondays are motivational. It scares me, because I’m attempting to do my best, with no real confirmation, yet, but I’m hopeful that I’ll wake up on Monday, finally living the life I’ve created.